rabbit holes, vomit, and the truth

Here's the deal:  I've been awake for an hour (so by the time I finished writing with interruptions by a hungry cat and laundry, it was two hours), lump in my throat (still), worries in my brain (still).  I can't count the number of times I've asked for this to be removed from me during this hour (the 2nd hour, either).  I have tried to pray, I have tried to get lost on Pinterest, I have tried to fall down the BuzzFeed rabbit hole, I have been job hunting (I even tried writing this).  Nothing has worked.  Maybe I just need to puke and move on to the shower, but I'm going to type something on here instead.

(WARNING - If you are in search of a well written masterpiece, turn back now.  I had a fantastic teacher for writing. I can write wonderful essays (I couldn't when I was in his class, but I found out later I am decent).  You are not grading me.  You are not paying me.  The words will flow.  The punctuation may or may not happen.  If you can live with that, keep reading.)

Let me give you some backstory.  I'm the son of a third generation farmer*  I'm the youngest daughter of a couple of wonderful people. I'm single with no prospects.  I missed the boat to the convent (why?!?!?!?!?!). I'm a mess to say the least.  Growing up, I struggled to live up to the expectations of my parents.  My sisters will tell you I'm spoiled.  I have raging ADHD.  After I almost failed miserably at high school, I did what everyone in my family is expected to do - I went to college.  Trying to finish college has been (not even an exaggeration) the absolute worst 15 years of my life.  You'd think I would have six degrees by now, but I haven't managed a single one.  People who tell you that college isn't for everyone - NOT LYING.  I have an absolutely ridiculous amount of student loan debt to not have a degree in my hand.  I am the biggest disappointment in my family because of this.  It is SO AWESOME.  Let me tell you a little bit about what has happened during those 15 years.  Here's a little taste:

True Love Waits Card Carrier -> Well, that happened accidentally, I'll go with it for a while ->  Thank goodness that's over, I don't have to do that again -> I really think I love this guy, I think I should marry him... which means he gets to destroy everything I believe in, right? -> Dodged that bullet, but now I don't know what to believe, so hey, just do all of the things -> I'm stressed out, let me get drunk and find ....... OH MY SWEET PUPPIES AND KITTENS, I GOT DRUNK AND DID WHAT?!!!! (so many different times)-> I should stop that -> oops -> I'm better than this!! -> oops -> I haven't been to church in a while, maybe I'll try that out -> oops -> Reconciliation. Forgiveness. Jesus. -> New friends -> MORE JESUS -> Jesus Freak version of Fat Amy (according to my niece)

So, I am on the right track.  I'm FAR from finished.  Now I have this job where I'm terribly unhappy, I own two houses, I have ALL of the debt,  so I have to keep this job where I'm terribly unhappy, and I have no idea where I'm headed.  I cringe when I read books and articles about how you have to have a plan to get anywhere in life.  I require the opposite of goals and plans, because everything I plan turns into a joke for God (more on that in a post about calling).

I should probably sum this post up, right?  I definitely can't just end it right here.








So, I'll end it here instead.







*I am not suffering from some kind of personality disorder or gender confusion.  I'm also not a big country music fan.  I do love that song, it is a love I share with a few special people in my life, and it pops out any time I'm about to talk about myself.  I'm awkward, you'll figure it out.