....warning.... Jesus freakery ahead

When I wrote this - and I mean wrote, on actual paper, with an actual pen - I was hiding at a shady table, in a courtyard, at St. John's University in Queens, NY.  Now I will continue in the tense in which this was originally written, because I'm just too lazy to fix that for you.  Also, please don't think I'm just preaching at you - because I'm really just preaching at myself.


It has been a LONG weekend.  I don't think I can really put in to words what these conferences are like (Oh, by the way, I was at a Steubenville Conference with a bunch of high school youth) to people who
A) Aren't crazy for Jesus
B) Aren't Catholic
3) Have never been to any type of charismatic Christian retreat
D) Have a brain that's not this one in my head

(For instance, if you don't understand AB3D, you're never going to understand the experience I just had!)

So, instead of trying to put an encounter with the living Christ into words that other people can understand...I'm going to write a little ditty about Jack & Diane calling.

Before you read any further, I want you to stop.  Scroll to the comments and tell me what you think  you're being called to do in your life.  What's your vocation?

Umm...hello.  I said stop reading and go comment.





Okay, now that you've done that...(you did, right?) ... you get to decide if you were right or wrong.  I'm going to tell you a story...about how God's calling isn't what you think (probably).

Let's start with this:  I'm a youth leader at my church.  I know!  I don't really know how it even happened.  About seven (or more) years ago, I thought it would be really cool to do this.  I was stupid.  I also still thought kids were in my future... you know... motherhood.  HaH!  Since then, I grew up.  I've realized, this isn't what I want.  If you ask the teens - they'll tell you I'm a total dweebette, who is good for corralling things, carrying stuffs, showing up to rescue you with whatever you might need, and it is funny when I have wheezing laugh attacks.  (I mean, why wouldn't the threat of literal death by laughter be enjoyable to kids?)

This is definitely not what I want.  I want to sit at home and watch Netflix, eat nothing but ice cream, and look like a supermodel.  Instead, I'm out of my comfort zone, learning how to be a youth leader, acting like I've got it figured out, and that I didn't spend two hour crying and begging God for help to get through this weekend without having my soul crushed by a bunch of kids.  This is His plan for me... Not my plan for me.  He knows what He's doing, and I'm not going to act like I have any idea where it is taking me - except closer to Him.

Let me tell you something... God is calling you to Himself.  He's on the phone... dialing your number.. like "Hey girl...do you want to hang out?"  ....yes?  "How about  mercy, grace, everlasting life? ... are you into that?"  ......umm... yeah.  That sounds cool.  "Awesome.  I'm glad you said yes.  Now do this thing that will only bring you joy after you feel like a complete and total failure."  Umm........ ..........

THIS.... This is where He's calling you.  This is where He wants to meet you.  He wants your yes.  You're  saying "God, I'm a terrible person... are you serious? You think I should do something I'm ridiculously unqualified for and will suck at?  REALLY?!  And He's all - Hey!  I MADE you!  In MY image and likeness - I'm asking you to say yes for a reason - so just say yes already!

I know, it is confusing.  And difficult to say yes.  You know why He calls you to do things you don't want to do?  Because He's calling you to something bigger than the current pain in your butt - and the current pain in the butt is preparation, and provides you with some much needed humility - and most importantly, you need to learn to rely on Him!

Hello.  You're His.  He made you.  So, if he wants to turn your life into a sitcom for a while, He gets to.  You owe Him that and so much more.  He made you, He died for you.  He would die for you a million more times any day of the week.... No one else can ever compare to that.  Why wouldn't you say yes?  Think about all of the sill, insignificant yes answers you give on a daily basis.  Compare that to what He's offering....

Soooo... YES... and when I hate it the most, I know You're doing the most work, and loving me the most....  ( But really, while we're on the subject, if you want to make me do something else, I wouldn't mind.....)

Chew on this:  the talents you're blessed with may seem contradictory to what path He has placed you on.  He is teaching you, molding you, using you.....  Get over yourself and your selfish desires.  Give yourself to God and humbly serve Him - and I promise, you won't be disappointed...  even if kids make a video while you're trying to die.

Now I want to know if your prediction was correct- or nah.

These dry bones could use some serious hydration

I'm tired.  I say that every single day of my life.  I say it when I have done very little physical labor.  (Yes,  I'm out of shape. Yes,  I'm still overweight.  This is not why I'm tired.) Frankly, I'm not physically tired. Most of the time,  I feel like I could keep going and keep going. .... my brain isn't tired. I have to beg for this thing to be turned off so I can sleep.  I'm fed up with all of the drama and crap sort of tired.  I will drag all week at work.  Because I need coffee?  Because I need rest and sleep?  NO.  It is because I'm done.  I've checked out.  My job is interfering with what is actually important.   I'm not doing great work there,  and I don't mean because I suck at my job.... I mean,  I feel like what I do is very unimportant, and it doesn't help me live the way I believe I should. 

I'm not just trying to grumble and complain.  But,  if that's how this reads,  too bad.  I have to get this stuff out.

It isn't going to make a difference if I am at my job on any given day.  Truly.  Would it be a total pain for everyone else there if I was gone?  Yeah,  I'm sure.  They'd get over it once they realized I wasn't coming back.  Grand scheme,  I'm a peon in a company of thousands.  Easily replaced.  No great,  important, life changing work being done.

So, I'm going to stop worrying that I might hurt the feelings of anyone at that place if I go out and do something worthwhile.  If it hurts her (I can say that because the entire office is women,  minus one guy who is already quitting), then she doesn't care about my wellbeing, or who I am in real life. (What do you mean that your job isn't real life?! Heresy! Lunacy!)

I'm taking my life back. Slowly?  Yes.  Momma's got to pay the bills (and there are a bunch of them) ... but I'm doing it,  dang it!

So,  what about you?  Do you love your job?  Do you feel like you're making a difference?  Are you living? I'm pretty much dry bones trying to live again. .... so the struggle IS real. ... I'm guessing yours is too.

the true beginning of this .... thing.

The following post is ridiculous.  I shared these ramblings with my sweet friend, ST, and she told me to start a blog or write a book.  I don't have enough connected thoughts for a book, plus that's work!  You can thank her for my mind being unleashed on the Internets.  Enjoy the true beginning of this .... thing.

As I bask in the air conditioning, still wearing my Sunday’s best, watching the 13th inning of a major league baseball game, I cannot stop my mind from concocting scenarios to get me out of this!  It is Sunday evening, the impending threat of Monday’s stress, ripping my happiness away.  I keep thinking, I would gladly give up air conditioning (you don’t even know how huge that is for me!), baseball, a proper kitchen, and everything else to be free from the prison of my life.  I’m living the “American Dream” - I have a great corporate job, I have TWO houses, I drive a fantastic automobile, I have a family who loves me, I’m respected in my church family, and I am the proud owner of an ocean of debt (to drown in).  What more could a girl ask for?!

Well, this girl is asking for a way out!  I love all of the stories of the saints (and other Jesus freaks) who walked away from their lives to follow Jesus.  HEY!  Look over here!  I WANT TO DO THAT!  There’s just one problem, walking away from financial obligations is not viewed as the same brave act as walking away from a fortune.  It just wouldn’t be as frilly to say - oh, that lady turned her back on $ridiculousdollaramount of debt to follow Jesus.  PFFT!  Who couldn’t do that?  Maybe you.  Definitely me - or I wouldn’t be writing this!

I never intended to have two houses, a minivan when I don’t have kids, or a mountain of debt.  But here I am.  I live my life, day by day, hoping that God will be pleased with any tiny thing I can do for him.  Even if it is keeping my mouth shut when all I want to do is tell my boss to bite me.  There are so many things that keep me from walking away from the debt mountain and the other burdens in my life.  What will happen to my credit?  How will I ever get a different job if I need one?  What will I really do - beg people for money?  What will become of my sweet pets?  Will my family lock me up and medicate me for mental illness?  Do I really like this stress because it gives me a purpose - because what will I really even do?!

All I know is what I wouldn’t do.  I wouldn’t waste my time stressing out over corporate junk that just doesn’t matter.  I wouldn’t worry about what anyone else wanted for me.   I wouldn’t hold on to the things I should hand over to Jesus.  And I wouldn’t waste an opportunity to share the love of Christ.

rabbit holes, vomit, and the truth

Here's the deal:  I've been awake for an hour (so by the time I finished writing with interruptions by a hungry cat and laundry, it was two hours), lump in my throat (still), worries in my brain (still).  I can't count the number of times I've asked for this to be removed from me during this hour (the 2nd hour, either).  I have tried to pray, I have tried to get lost on Pinterest, I have tried to fall down the BuzzFeed rabbit hole, I have been job hunting (I even tried writing this).  Nothing has worked.  Maybe I just need to puke and move on to the shower, but I'm going to type something on here instead.

(WARNING - If you are in search of a well written masterpiece, turn back now.  I had a fantastic teacher for writing. I can write wonderful essays (I couldn't when I was in his class, but I found out later I am decent).  You are not grading me.  You are not paying me.  The words will flow.  The punctuation may or may not happen.  If you can live with that, keep reading.)

Let me give you some backstory.  I'm the son of a third generation farmer*  I'm the youngest daughter of a couple of wonderful people. I'm single with no prospects.  I missed the boat to the convent (why?!?!?!?!?!). I'm a mess to say the least.  Growing up, I struggled to live up to the expectations of my parents.  My sisters will tell you I'm spoiled.  I have raging ADHD.  After I almost failed miserably at high school, I did what everyone in my family is expected to do - I went to college.  Trying to finish college has been (not even an exaggeration) the absolute worst 15 years of my life.  You'd think I would have six degrees by now, but I haven't managed a single one.  People who tell you that college isn't for everyone - NOT LYING.  I have an absolutely ridiculous amount of student loan debt to not have a degree in my hand.  I am the biggest disappointment in my family because of this.  It is SO AWESOME.  Let me tell you a little bit about what has happened during those 15 years.  Here's a little taste:

True Love Waits Card Carrier -> Well, that happened accidentally, I'll go with it for a while ->  Thank goodness that's over, I don't have to do that again -> I really think I love this guy, I think I should marry him... which means he gets to destroy everything I believe in, right? -> Dodged that bullet, but now I don't know what to believe, so hey, just do all of the things -> I'm stressed out, let me get drunk and find ....... OH MY SWEET PUPPIES AND KITTENS, I GOT DRUNK AND DID WHAT?!!!! (so many different times)-> I should stop that -> oops -> I'm better than this!! -> oops -> I haven't been to church in a while, maybe I'll try that out -> oops -> Reconciliation. Forgiveness. Jesus. -> New friends -> MORE JESUS -> Jesus Freak version of Fat Amy (according to my niece)

So, I am on the right track.  I'm FAR from finished.  Now I have this job where I'm terribly unhappy, I own two houses, I have ALL of the debt,  so I have to keep this job where I'm terribly unhappy, and I have no idea where I'm headed.  I cringe when I read books and articles about how you have to have a plan to get anywhere in life.  I require the opposite of goals and plans, because everything I plan turns into a joke for God (more on that in a post about calling).

I should probably sum this post up, right?  I definitely can't just end it right here.








So, I'll end it here instead.







*I am not suffering from some kind of personality disorder or gender confusion.  I'm also not a big country music fan.  I do love that song, it is a love I share with a few special people in my life, and it pops out any time I'm about to talk about myself.  I'm awkward, you'll figure it out.